Website: http://www.geocities.com/tangibleimagination/
Rating: PG
Pairing: A/S
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Distribution: Ask and you shall receive.
Spoiler: a little of everything.
Summary: Spike thinks about Angel said.
Author's Note: Set during "Unleashed". Right after Angel says, "You know that whoosh thing that you do when you're suddenly not there anymore? I love that."
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"You know that whoosh thing that you do when you're suddenly not there anymore? I love that." -- Angel.
Angel never knows the effects his words have on me, or maybe he does and decides to continue tormenting me. He needs to get some kind of joy to balance all the brooding he does. Maybe he figures that if it's a twisted happiness, he'll get to keep his sodding soul.
I used to think that I meant something to him. Granted, most of the time it was annoyance and several murder tries on his part, but I seriously thought that I was something to him. Even if I was just a pest that refuses to go away - kind of like those cockroaches that you see on TV.
Then those words slipped out of his mouth. How could those soft-looking lips produce words that hurt like holy-water soaked stakes?
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He never wanted me in his life - I actually know this because I overheard him talking to a demon once.
I'd heard it plenty of times before, but always assumed that he was just saying it to pacify his bitch of a sire. But as a vampire code, you never insult a member of your family to strangers. Guess he really didn't want me.
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There were three parts of him - Liam, Angelus and Angel - and each part hated me.
I would have been mocked ruthlessly by Liam if I had met him as William. As a human, my stuttering and shyness were powerful ammunition for everyone who wished to ridicule me.
Angelus frowned when Dru brought me to him. At first, I thought he was angry because she didn't ask for permission - as Dru tried to describe her sire's need to be in control at all time. But it was the fact that Dru didn't bother to torture me before turning me that angered him. But Angelus took care of that missing part and made sure he didn't leave out any details in my fledging years. His excuse was that now that I'm a vampire, I should be able to take it.
Angel, the souled poof, hated me and only refrained from staking me because of his bloody soul and the brooding guilt over what he had done to me.
The bond between a sire and childe is strong, the whole "nothing's thicker than blood" bullshit. But it was true between Angelus and me. I was bound to him, if not by blood, then by love.
I love him in whatever twisted way I can.
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As William, I loved him for relieving me of the horrible life, or lack of, that I led.
As William the Bloody, I loved him for teaching me how to survive when he could have left me to die as he promised on the first day. Despite his threats of death, he never followed them through and I'm sure he didn't mean half of them. I only say half, because there's no need to make Angelus a good guy.
With Angel, the ultimate good guy, it's different. I love him because he represents what I might have a chance of achieving one day. Not the bleeding soul or the angst, mind you, but the possibility of redemption. The friendship he has with the humans around him, and the feeling of being depended on and trusted.
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I know my feelings aren't, and will never be returned.
"He doesn't love you." Darla had whispered so sweetly in my ear after I cried about the bloody curse and the possibility of Angelus never returning.
"I know." I met her mocking gaze unblinkingly and smirked when she turned away in disgust. That night, she left as well, leaving me with Dru. I recalled her angry outburst of Angelus having a filthy soul and me acting like I have one even though I didn't.
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The only time he seemed happy in my presence was when he contemplated about my disappearance. I saw a moment of relief when I first told him that I wanted it all to end.
He got that faint smile, disguised in his scowl, tugging at his lips as he thought of life without me.
I thought I was something to him, but I finally see how wrong I am. He never wanted me. I was created out of boredom, kept alive, so to speak, out of interest to torture and remained alive because of his guilt.
I know he doesn't love me, but I just didn't expect it to hurt this much when I hear it from my own lips. At least with Darla, I could pretend she was only taunting me. There's no point in mocking myself.
I don't think I'm strong enough to live with that knowledge. There is only so much a vampire can take. The end doesn't sound so bad now; it will make at least two people happy - him and me. My disappearance would definitely make him happy. Think of it as my parting gift to him; it's the least I can do.
So when the hands pulled me down, I opened my arms instead of struggling, and welcomed the fiery darkness.
~ END ~